| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|02:08 pm] |
gcBenjixWHAT
take it, copy it, put in your buddy list, when you hear the sound of a door opening, if that name is bold it means im online, take your mouse move the arrow to that name, double click it, in the box that opens write "Hey sexy" or "Hi there hot stuff" or whatever you feel like writing, hit send, and the two of us will have a conversation...
sound good?
good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2004|11:39 pm] |
it. just. keeps. going.
lets face it im a sick fuck. simple as that. there is no other name for someone who continues to get fucked up so they can do shit with their brother. their TWIN brother. ill explain...
tuesday night joel and i got high again, this time in my room. it was the most awkward thing ive ever done. neither of made eye contact for at least the first hour. we knew it was coming and yet we both continue to agree to it. i really didn't think he would considering all the shit that has happened, im so fucking confused by it all. everything is so goddamn weird. we do shit and then we don't talk about, instead we get fucked up and do it again. anyways...
we were laying on my bed, and of course shit happened, of course it was me who started it, im a pervert, i am a sick fuck pervert. i asked joel if i could kiss him again, and nope couldn't let it just stop there. we made out for about 20 minutes, touching each other all over, i remember being so fucking hard and finally just asking him what its like to have another guy touch you and without another thought he just whispered "let me show you" we stared at each other for a minute before he whispered for me to sit up so i did. i doubt anyone wants to read the details to this sick as fuck story, he ended up undoing my pants, pulling me out and giving me a hand job. with his free hand he took my hand and put it on his crotch. i was so fucking nervous i dont know how to do that shit ive only been with girls so i whispered to him that i dont know how... he pulled himself out of his pants and put my hand over his dick covering my hand with his and showing me what to do. we fucking jerked each other off!!!! who does that ?! we're brothers! he continued to suck and lick at my neck, we fucking came in each others hands! here i come hell!
he stayed in my room and again we woke up, didn't say shit to each other and went on about our normal lives. i dont get it. does he not remember? is he purposly not saying anything? but if thats the case why does he keep wanting to get fucked up together? maybe he just doesn't remember... i don't know i really dont know what the fuck to think!
last night we had a show and ive got to give us some credit we're getting pretty fucking good. our sound is tight and really coming together! after the show we all headed to a party at a friend of ours, i met this really fucking hot chick at the show, she was wearing a rancid shirt so naturally i was drawn to her, well i invited her to the party and she agreed. everyone was getting messed up, by the time her and i got to the party everyone was fucking smashed, her and i grabbed some drinks we talked for awhile until i finally decided to make some sort of move, which by the way i hate doing, i like it when the girl takes charge, when she knows exactly what to do and doesn't wait around for me to make the moves, i suck at it. so anyways, i ask her if she wants to head up stairs and continue our chat... well thats exactly what she wanted to do, continue the chat. we lit up too, she had some pretty good shit in her purse, we made out a little bit nothing too heavy, finally she decided that she better get going, apparently she had to work today or whatever. so i walked her down stairs and found joel sitting on the couch he had a drink in his hand and he looked, lonely. well i was pretty fucking trashed, at least to the point that i was starting to just ramble shit. i was horny as shit considering nothing happened with that girl, so i went over to joel and in my drunk state i guess i just find it ok to make out with my brother, LUCKILY no was really around, or at least they were too trashed to care that i had crawled into my brothers lap and started making out with him, and you know what the worst part is... i told him that i think im into guys...........
needless to say i've avoided him all day.
its the truth...
i think that i may actually be into guys. i dont know what it is, maybe its just all this shit lately screwing with me but i really dont understand what's going on with me lately or all the shit that im feeling... its creeping me out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 19th, 2004|10:34 pm] |
man, where the hell do i begin? it just keeps happening, and i know that its my fault despite what he might say. it is my fault. last night joel and i got high, we were sitting online bored as shit. i was suppose to get together with this girl but she called and dipped out on me on the last minute, so whatever. joel and i got to talking about how he hasn't gotten high in awhile, and i remembered that a friend of mine, jeff, gave me a bag of some shit so to make along story short we ended up deciding to get high.
we were online talking for awhile, then we went and ordered a pizza ahead of time cause we seriously have no fucking food, and i get hungry as fuck when i smoke so it was only right. well we got pretty fucking baked. we laid on the living floor for probably 3 hours total, just laughing it up and relaxing. somewhere along the way i got really horny (like i normally do) and i started rubbing joel's arm and i dont know why i keep doing this but i fucking remember saying it right to him "joel i know this is fucked up but can i kiss you?" he opened his eyes and nodded, well we ended up kissing alright, i was on top of him in no time while we fucking made out, and im not talking a few kisses and its over, oh fucking no, its more messed up then that...
we were making out for probably a good 30 minutes, and knowing the whole time how fucking wrong it is that we continue to do this, we ended up fucking dry humping each other until we came, or at least i know i came. i remember telling him that he's a good kisser... this is so fucked, its so fucking wrong SO FUCKING WRONG and i shouldnt think like this but... he is a good kisser... im going straight and hell burning for this. we woke up this morning next to each other on the floor needless to say i know i needed a shower pretty fucking bad.
this shit isnt ok but we continue to do it! i dont fucking understand it, i just dont... why is he returning all of it? he shouldn't! its wrong! he should hate me.
we just shouldnt get messed up together. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2004|11:05 pm] |
i have no fucking clue what's wrong with me. no fucking clue. i dont understand whats happening. this is not how things are suppose to go. things are not suppose to be this complicated. im suppose to do shows, meet up with fans and friends afterwards, and find myself a hot girl to leave with... it is not suppose to go like this. i am not suppose to find myself thinking like this... what's wrong with me? what's going to happen, this cannot continue... it can't.
all the boys voices cracking
oh, the moaning half tones
come summertime, we're all the same age here
all the tension and the terror
thin limbed gorgeous brown eyes smiling
and i'm going straight to hell
all the possibility and promise just weighs on me so heavily
and i try but i'm not convincing
your lips, they pout and twist
and i die trying just to keep myself from kissing you.
you take in everything with a certainty i envy
it's somehow all i need
just keep me guessing please
darling, all of these awkwardjumpstartstalling conversations
mean much more to me than anything
it comes down to me and you
and whether we're supposed to or not, we still will
we're so much better off than them
all the possibility and promise just weighs on me so heavily...
a look
a laugh
a smile
a second passes by and i regret it
words just aren't right
sometimes i just can't explain
all the ways you devastate me
always on my mind |
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| uh oh |
[Oct. 17th, 2004|03:17 am] |
holy shit.
what the fuck did i do? im a sick horrible horrible person and im going to hell. you think id learn that maybe drinking isn't the best idea for me. but i just dont fucking learn, i guess i'll explain, anyone who reads this is going to think im the biggest sick fuck in the world, which they have every excuse too.
let me start out from the beginning...
last week i was talking to my brother online, after awhile i decided that it would be fun to go out and look for some girls together, well there were none at the bar, at least none worth taking home, so we both ended up getting pretty fucking smashed. apparently when we got home i kept bugging joel to tell me what it was like to kiss a guy, finally i told him to kiss me... so we ended up kissing... me and my brother, my TWIN brother... we fucking kissed, and apparently there was tongue...
i woke up the next morning with him sleeping in my bed next to me, which is really nothing new. he's done that his whole life when he's not having a good night whether it be a bad dream when he was little or just lonely and thinking too much about his ex recently, ive never turned him down, because he's my brother we used to share a bed when we were kids, its no big deal so i thought nothing of it, until the other night online he tells me what happened... im a fucking idiot, i could've ruined everything between the two of us.
it doesn't end there... oh no.
last night we had a show, it was fucking amazing, perfect, everything went so fucking smoothly. we ended up parting at a friends house, everyone ended up pretty fucking trashed so we crashed at the house. joel and i decided to take the pullout bed in the basement, or at least from what i remember someone saying something along the lines of benji, joel, bed, and downstairs, and we ended up down there...
i need to stop drinking.......
i remember moving and snuggling up to the body next to me spooning them, i started kissing the back of their neck when i realized it was joel, you know whats even more fucked up, when i knew it was him i didn't stop, instead i told him to kiss me... i fucking did it again! i ended up on top of him while we made out WE FUCKING MADE OUT! he's twin fucking brother and we made out, you think it ends there? oh no, we fucking dry humped i remember just grinding my hips into his NEEDING the contact, i also remember him moaning my name... joel. my twin brother. my best friend. moaning my name.... im going to hell, and whats worse is this morning before joel got up i fled, i couldn't be there when he woke up, i can't see him, i dont want to see the hate he has for me in his eyes or hear him say how disgusted he is, i just can't.
im a sick fucking person. that shit is illegal, not to mention morally wrong. he's going to hate me, he's going to hate himself for allowing it to happen and it's all my fucking fault. i have no idea what the hell do. |
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| im so far gone. |
[Oct. 12th, 2004|12:02 am] |
ah, monday. i hate mondays. ive decided that im going to make mondays party nights. im taking joel out we're going to go look for some ladies. over the weekend he had his friend, boyfriend, the dude he does shit with (i dont know what he wants me to call him) over, and i decided that its time for joel to have some boobies he hasnt had some for awhile.
i saw the dude that joel's been doing shit with at the gas station, apparently from behind joel and i look a like, cause he walked up and smacked me in the ass... i was ready to turn around and hit him but i realized the mistake he made, so did he, he was really embarassed. whatever, its over with now but it made for an awkward situation. he just told me to tell joel to call him.
the other night i could hear joel and that dude doing shit, now dont get me wrong i love joel, but its really weird to hear him moaning, and what makes it even more weird is to hear another dude moan right after him, or to hear joel calling out another dudes name... just a little weird. but i love joel and im not one to judge, to each his own and as long as joel's happy, well that's all ive ever wanted.
alright well im off to go find me a pretty lady for the night. everyone be safe and get some rest or come out and fucking party... IT'S MONDAY! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2004|01:43 am] |
note to self: just because a girl is fucking hot, gives good head, and is willing to do anything you ask, doesn't always mean she's sane, and you should never give her your number. seriously this fucking chick, i met her on thursday, she's called me over 10 times wanting to hang out, asking when she's going to see me again because "she had a really great time when we hung out" all she fucking did was make out with me and give me head, now she fucking wants to date or some shit like that. whatever. i dont date dude, that shits fucked. girls get weird when you start dating them, no offence to any girls. but honestly, the most awesome girl can go from being down to earth and cool and shit, to fucking wacko and calling you 100 times a day wondering where you are, who you're with, what you're doing, when you're going to be back. i cant handle that shit. im a free man and i enjoy it. im too young to settle down, not to mention have you seen some of the girls that have shown up for our shows..... fucking hot!
moving on.
joel and i talked, he wants to forget what happened, i guess that might work for him, but im not going to forget that i hit him. how could i possibly do that? i need to learn how to control my anger, ive got my fucking dads temper and i hate it, i fucking hate it. i want nothing of his, i want nothing to do with him and i feel like daily im slowly turning into him.
today we had band pratice, that was alright as usual. we've got a pretty big show coming up soon, we're playing with some bigger bands which im fucking stoked for. not to mention we've got a smaller tour coming up with a couple of awesome bands. we're opening so i can't complain, anything to get the word out. im actually excited we're taking another smaller band on tour with us, there pretty new at this shit so we get the chance to show them the ropes and give them the 411 and shit. their name is mest, haven't gotten the chance to listen to them, i was looking online earlier for some of their shit but all i could find was a pharagraph about them from the little lable their on. apparently there from chicago, the lead singer is like 19 or some shit. thats the only thing im a little worried about, we've already got our band to worry about with the underage drinking shit, so hopefully they know how to take care of themselves in that department.
after band practice today joel had this kid over, i dont know i guess they met at a show, (personally i think the kid is a groupie) i dont know they were hanging out din the living room for awhile and now i think they're in joel's room, but im not going to go find out, ive already watched them make out once which wasn't something i really wanted to see. my brother is bi which im perfectly ok with, he's my brother im going to love him no matter what, but i really CANT watch him with other guys. i was talking to him online the other night while i was still at my friends house after that shit that joel and i went through, while we were online i learned that joel's not nearly as innocent as i thought he was... crazy.
alright well whatever, this thing is weird im not sure if i can get used to it or not, guess we'll see. but i fucking saw that people added me, what's with that? who wants to read about this shit? it's pretty fucking cool though that people find my life interesting enough to add me, so thanks! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2004|01:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
im not even sure why i came back to this thing. but whatever i guess ill use it. tonight was paul's birthday party, and like the jackass that i am i ruined the party. earlier tonight i got messed up like i have been lately, im not even sure what started it but joel and i started to argue and i hit him... i hit my brother. i dont know why, i dont fucking know why i did it. day by day im turning more into our father and i hate it. i fucking hit my twin brother... my best friend. he's been locked in his room since, what the fuck have i done?
everything was going alright, he invited some guy over and apparently when he introduced us i wasn't very friendly. he pulled me aside and asked what was wrong, and i got pissy, everything from there went down hill and i did the unspeakable.
ill be lucky if he ever forgives me, but i sure as fuck wont ever forgive myself, what the hell do i do? how do you even go from something like that? how do you apologize for doing something you promised you'd never do? we promised each other we'd never hurt each other. i remember it like it was yesterday. we were 11, dad was beating up on everyone that day, but when he started on our mom we could hear them fighting, joel and i were in our room and we promised each other we'd never hurt each other.
the look on his face when i hit him, and in front of everyone... i can't even imagine how i made him feel. there's no way i could ever forgive myself for something like that, there's just no way. we're suppose to be each others support, i'm not suppose to hurt him.
im a horrible person.
i need to go out. i need to just go. |
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| this is my subject |
[Oct. 5th, 2004|12:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Unseen | ] |
is it just me or are these things strange as fuck? i dont really get them but apparently there the "in" thing and im not one to miss the latest trend, so here i am.
i guess im suppose to talk about myself now...
that's never fun.
i hate doing that shit.
im benji! im in a ROCK band. im 21. i play guitar. i party. i rock. i like girrrrrrrls. i love my band. i love my family. i love my friends. i love the fans that actually do come to the shows, you guys kick ass.
im pretty fucking poor. all the money we get goes right back into touring or tattoos... i cant help myself.
someday i hope to be able to afford a house live comfortably and be a wrinkly old man with tattoos listening to punk rock music.
sound good? |
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